The Darkest Hour
by AsItThunders
Summary: When Edward leaves in New Moon, what goes through his mind? Why? How? He loves her, but he has to. He can't watch her die in front of him. He's killing her. Edward's departure in New Moon from his Point of View.
1. The Thoughts

**Disclaimer: I own no part of New Moon or any of Mrs. Meyer's characters or plots.**

I was walking to my demise, my death. The only thing that made life worth living was walking beside me, and I was about to push her, my life source, my only warmth, away from me. Half me wanted her not to believe what I was going to have to say. She would never believe me. All the times she told me she loved me, and I confessed the depths of my cold, dead heart to her. I loved her. Oh, how I loved her. The very stir of her soft hair caused my throat to clench and breathing to catch. Her pale, smooth skin was so translucent that I could see her sweet blood pumping through her veins. And her smell… ah, it was intoxicating. Just to be around her made my head light with pleasure. She, this frail human girl, ruled me. I felt like some strange pull to her, like the moon's attraction to Earth. It could never go far from it. Her scent was engraved in my memory forever. She made me whole and human again. And I loved her! This thing I was about to do disgusted me to my core.

I could hear my family's thoughts echoing in my head, and I lingered on them momentarily. Their last words before they left Forks.

Rosalie had given me on cold smirk before throwing bags into her red convertible and waiting for Emmett to get in.

Emmett's thoughts were apologetic and worried about me. _Edward, you don't have to do this. We can stay. Jasper will learn. He'll get better. Alice doesn't see him hurting her. She knows you'll protect her till the end. But, Brother, if this is your decision, I'll go._ "I'm gonna miss that little trouble magnet." I saw him going over all his memories of Bella. Her fallings, her laughs at his jokes, and our, mine and hers, little looks at each other. It was really the first time I had paid attention to the both of us standing side by side. She was painfully beautiful, and that look in her gorgeous brown eyes was love. Nothing less.

No! I mentally shouted at myself. It was merely, it had to be merely, infatuation. She should, she had to, get over it. Just as I did.

Emmett gave me one big, somewhat sad, smile before wrapping me in a big bear hug. He gave it one last shot. _Can't I just say 'bye'?_

"No," I growled. "I'm not making this any harder on her." He threw a few more bags in the car, and I watched as Rose peeled out of the driveway.

Jasper was already gone, and Alice was only here because she really wanted to say goodbye to Bella. _Edward_, she thought, _please, can't I just goodbye? It'll make me feel better, _she pleaded. _Do you know what will happen to her? Don't leave. It'll kill her. _I growled menacingly at her choice of words.

"I will not let her stay in the company of seven vampires that could kill her!" I roared. Alice took a tiny step back. She wasn't quite used to my yelling at her, but did she have any idea of what pain it was causing me to say these things? But Alice didn't need to know that I was dying too. Or perhaps she could already see I was more lifeless than I head been before. Bella had. "We're leaving, and she's staying," I said much more softly.

Alice wasn't one to give up easily. _But, look at what will happen. She'll be nothing if you leave._ Her mind was about to flash me images of what she'd seen, but I shut them down instantly. I didn't want to see Bella after we left. _Can't I just say goodbye?_ she pleaded. She was almost as hurt by this as I was about to be.

"NO! A clean break will help her heal easier."

"A 'clean break,' Edward? So she can 'heal'? You're leaving her. She loves you, Edward. LOVES!" she shouted the last word at me just as I had shouted no at her. It made me flinch, and I opened my mouth to speak, but she started up again, short hair flying around her face while her eyes flashed dangerously. And even though she is a lot smaller than Emmett, I was more scared of her now than I had ever been of my big bear of a brother. "All those times you've told her you loved her! She believes it! She knows it's true! You do, too! Bella cannot fathom a world without you now. _You_ are her world! And you're just going to rip her life away from her? Edward, you'll kill her. She can barely last a weekend when you're gone hunting. I've seen it in her face. She loves you more than anything else, and I know you do, too. Edward! Look at me!" I had turned away when she had started. I didn't want to hear about how Bella loved me, and I loved her. It made what I was going to do so much harder.

When I didn't turn, she moved around so she was in my field of vision. "Edward…" her voice was much softer now, "we can work through this. Jasper gets better everyday. It just… startled him. You know he's really sorry."

"It wasn't his fault." I sighed as memories of Bella flashed, tauntingly, before my eyes. When I first heard her whisper my name in her sleep. Bella walking beside me, her laughter making her glow. Staring down at me in the meadow like my own personal angel as she ran her finger up my arm. When I kissed her for the first time. How cool she was when she met my whole family of vampires. When she cuddled up next to me and her warmth was the greatest thing in the world.

But then came the visions I hated.

Bella looking frightened as I dashed around the meadow and broke the tree. Bella lying there on the dance room floor, blood pouring from her head, and that terror that had flashed through me with the knowledge that he had bitten her. she had writhed and screamed for me. I had watched the terrible pain play over her face. Then she was lying in the hospital room with her leg and some ribs broken. I traced a cool finger over that much cooler crescent moon scar on her wrist. All the while I had been silently beating myself for letting her out of my sight. And then, so recently, Bella lying with shock frozen on her face and blood pumping out of her arm. I had stood in front of her, snarling menacingly as my brother was jumping forward with animal 

in his eyes. I wasn't breathing. If I got more than enough of that sweet drug in my head, my strength would break. Bella had all those close encounters because of me. Because of what I am. It was safer for her if I left.

"Edward. Those good memories outweigh those bad, unlucky, chance encounters. It'll kill her."

"Alice!" I hissed at her. She flinched by the iciness in my tone. I didn't usually be so rough to her. the look she first gave me was unnaturally stern and unrelenting. But then it softened, and she looked at me with pity and love.

"I'm sorry, Edward." I nodded as she came forward and wrapped her small arms around my waist. If she could have cried, I'm sure there would have been tears. And she was gone.

Carlisle, for once, didn't look exactly sure what to say. _Edward, you'll so what's best. I know you. I raised you. Be gentle with her. She still has a heart to break. _"We'll see you soon, Edward." _I'm sorry._

_Sweetheart, let her go quickly but sweetly. You don't want her last memory of you to be like a splinter that wouldn't come out. Do be careful, Edward._ "We love you. Be safe, darling." I shuddered at the words. They were the same ones I had left in Bella's truck. That first real notion that I loved her. Carlisle gave me a hug, and Esme planted a kiss on my forehead. And then they were all gone. Only I was left… to say goodbye.

Bella breathed out heavily again, and her sweet fragrance brought me back to the painful present. I finally stopped walking in the words. Bella looked up at me. I could see something in her eyes that me think she suspected something. But there was another part that I couldn't read at all. It was blank and expressionless. For the millionth time, I wished I could read her mind. To know what she was thinking or was going to would have, however, made all this much more difficult. It was probably one of the only reasons I could do this now. Finally I took a deep breath, and Bella's sweet, innocent brown eyes, so full of depth, snapped to my face. My breath caught at the exhale. I was about to die.

I had died once, true, but that had been before Bella. Now, I had a reason for life and was about to shove it away.

**Okay, so this is the beginning of this rather short scene, but I felt like writing it one night. So here it is. If I can get at least 5 reviews, flames or not, I'll upload the next bit. And, if you review I'll put your name in the thanks on the next chapter. REVIEW PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU! How 'bout a cyper cookie? Yes, I do bribe...**


	2. Beginning to Say

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**Okay, so even though I didn't get as many reviews as I wanted, I still got them. So, for the three of you that reviewed**

**M4ri4h- You were the first! Thanks! I am going on with this section of the story, up until the point when he leaves her.**

**courtstwilight- Thanks for the review! You can have a chocolate chip one if that's okay with you. I accidentally ate all the sugar ones.**

**And finally, Forever Tragically Torn- Don't worry about begging, there's no way I'm stopping this one.**

**I proudly, and somewhat sadly, present the second installment of Darkest Hour.**

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"Bella, we're leaving." I don't think she understood what I said at first, but then it sunk in after a few moments. For one moment her face was screwed before she replaced it with a neutral mask. She took one deep breath and kept looking at me, not dropping my gaze, as though trying to prove some falsehood in what I said. She had no idea what I was going through. Then again, I had no idea what I was going through. Her face was still blank. "Why now? Another year-"

I steeled myself, freezing up my face so the pain wouldn't show as I spoke and give me away. "Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless," I finished. The torture of it was slowly pulling out my heart. This suffering was unlike anything else, even dying, and I had come close to that, past it even. It became harder to keep my face cold and alien as I went on.

At my words, she looked nauseous. Her skin, already so much paler than other humans', lost what little color it had. Surely, she knows I love her. The pain flashing over her face reminded me of James's bite and how it had caused her so much agony. This was something I didn't want to see. My poor, sweet, Bella. I was tearing her to pieces, just like I was doing to myself. "When you say we-"she started, and I cut her off quickly.

"I mean my family and myself." She winced at the tone. I had to be firm with her. If she felt, for one moment, that I was lying, she would hold onto that regret and it would fuel her belief that I really still wanted her. Which I did, but I needed her to think that I did no longer. She needed to believe I didn't care. I only hoped that I didn't fall into those beliefs also. I had to keep telling myself that it was for her own good and safety.

She would be better off. She could grow and change and live, despite whatever Alice said.

She could forget, go on.

Bella started shaking her head as if to get rid of those words that were pouring into her head. She mustn't know how much I wanted to reach out and touch her, stroke her cheek, and pull her towards me in my arms. "Okay, I'll come with you," she said. She was killing me. I wanted her to come with me. She had to know that. But she couldn't. It would mean death for her, and that was something I wouldn't have. She still looked a little dazed at my words as though she hadn't heard all of them yet or taken them all in.

There was another catch in my throat as I said the next sentence. She didn't notice it, she was busy just watch my face as though she knew what was coming and wanted all the time possible. Her face was already memorized in my memory, but I would never be able to grasp quite her presence and emotions and facial features. I pained me. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you." I saw a minute expression on her face of disbelief and 

sorrow and misery that no human eye would have seen. I don't think she even knew she made that face. There was a throbbing where my heart used to be like it knew it was being torn in two.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

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**Sorry it was so short, but my computer isn't giving me the rest of it. I'll find it soon. Not sure how long it will be for an update, but check back soon for my new Lilly and James One-Shot. I think I'm going to call it- Always Waiting.**


	3. Name Change

Hey Everyone!

I'm sending out this message to those that have me favorited or alerted- I don't even know if thats a word- and putting updates on all my stories so people know!

I am officially changing my name!

Yes, I don't like this name anymore and really want to/need to change it! So, as of today, it shall be **AsItThunders**.

Just letting everyone know!

Love you all!

Merry Christmas,

**AsItThunders**


	4. Dieing Because of Me

**I just have to say, Wow! That was amazing! I let you all know that I'm changnig my name and I get so many more reviewers and favoriters/alerters. That's amazing. I was so suprised to see all those emails telling me everyone who added me. **

**Now, if only I could get a few more reviews. (hint, hint)**

**I know it's been forever, but here it is. The third installment of Darkest Hour...**

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"I'm no good for you, Bella." I hated lying to her, but it was the only way. Otherwise she wouldn't let me go, she find some way to drag me back. Of course, she'd always have my heart. I just couldn't keep it safe forever.

"Don't be ridiculous." It sounded very much like she was trying to sound normal and angry with me. She was trying to put up a face that it wasn't killing her. Bella was trying not to let me know how much this was hurting her. The tremor in her heart gave her away. She was believing the lie. She was falling apart. I felt the emotion slip in her voice as she spoke the next few words. "You're the very best part of my life." Why, Bella? Why? She was the very best part of my life as well, but she shouldn't be that close to a monster.

"My world is not for you." I sounded grim, but it was true. As if the six months she'd been with me weren't proof enough. She'd been hunted, tracked, bitten, nearly attacked by seven vampires, and all because of me and my stupid love for her. This was why I had leave. I couldn't bear if I was the reason she was no longer with me. If she, I nearly choked, died.

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she was right. It was nothing. It could have been so much worse. I saw Alice's visions reflash through my head. Jasper breaking through Alice's grasp and biting her. Rosalie loosing control and attacking her. And the worst one- I saw myself leap forward from spot on the floor and being to drink her blood. No, I shuttered- indistinguishable to the human eye. That would never happen- I could never allow it. That was why I was leaving.

"You're right. It's exactly what was to be expected." You live with a family of vampires for long enough and someone's bound to break the control. It was only a matter of time, and now it had come and I had to act. This was how I chose to react.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—" She was getting frantic, trying to pull up old promises that I had carefully skirted around. I am always hesitative when saying things around her. I couldn't stay tied to her. I never knew when I was going to have to leave. Like now.

"As long as that was best for you." I interrupted her. I'd found a loophole in that one as well. There was no way I was staying if it was bad for her. I'd rather die a thousand more painful deaths than see her in pain which was why I had to leave. I couldn't watch her slowly fall apart because of what I was.

"_No!_ This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!" She shouted the words at me now. I had never seen Bella so decisive before. It pained my dead heart though to hear her voice quiver as she yelled. She still sounded like she was begging. Bella was desperate, and I tugged at me in ways I'd never felt before.

This was worse than I thought. She didn't believe me. I was going to have to go full out, but it would hurt me worse than the change to say this. I took a deep breath and stared at anything but her, wondering how I, a monster, had ever won the favor of such a glorious angel. I smiled the tiniest bit. We were such opposites but had been pushed together. I wasn't complete without her, and she couldn't live without being near me. It turned out, living near me was killing her. She was perfection, I couldn't let her be near me.

I looked up and new I had taken on my shield as my eyes hardened and I kept all emotion out of my voice. This lie was the hardest.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I spoke a slow precision so she couldn't mistake anything I said. I didn't think I'd be able to say it twice. I always had to have her near me. She was my life source. The reason now, at least, for living the way I did. I watched her face as she tried to compute what I had said and could see it wasn't really absorbing.

"You…don't…want me?" I cringed to hear the lie again. She sounded confused like she really didn't understand what was happening. Couldn't she see that I loved her? Why was she believing me now? She believed me all the times I told her I loved her; she never doubted it for a moment. In fact, she accepted it before I did. Why, now, when I told her once I didn't want her, did she believe me? Was she that easily swayed?

I had to continue and act as though I didn't care. And word came out harder than I thought.

"No."

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**Please review! It makes me feel amazing!**

**Love to all my readers!**

**Merry Christmas!**

**AsItThunders**


	5. Have To

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**Here's another Christmas along with my new story The Stars Dazzle Me!**

**For all of you who put me on favorite or alert in the past few days and reviewed, it was amazing to open my inbox and see that kind of response to my writing. I humbly present the fourth installment in Darkest Hour.**

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"Well, that changes things." She sounded somewhat calm, but I could almost literally feel all the emotions damming up inside of her. Her heart was pumping far too rapidly for her to be calm. Her blood was pumping like no other time, not even when she had been there with James or at her own birthday party. It pained me to think that my leaving her was more painful than anything else she'd had to endure.

But I knew she only wasn't lashing out and latching onto me because the words had quite sunk in yet. She knew them, she heard them, her brain just hadn't comprehended them yet. Bella couldn't grasp the concept of me leaving her. Then I could see the pain begin to feel her big, beautiful brown eyes. I couldn't stare into those pools any longer, and I turned my head to the trees, trying unscuccesfully to get that image of her out of my mind.

It wasn't working.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way." I hated leading her on like this, but her safety was so much more important to me. "But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella." This was so wrong. In many ways I was more disgusted with myself right now than I had ever been when I had hunted humans. It wasn't right to lie to your reason for living. I hated pretending to pretend, but I had to. "I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." I couldn't be sorry, I wasn't sorry. But she needed to go, to be able to learn, live, perhaps love again. Bella needed to be safe without me.

"Don't." Her voice was less than a whisper now and had I not been a monster, I most certainly wouldn't have heard it. And because of the low volume I could feel that understanding of the words I had spoken were beginning to seep in. Why did she believe the lies so much more easily than the truth? "Don't do this."I felt her pulse pick up some more as I watched her again.

She looked a little frightened as her words fell onto my dead ears. I smelt the adrenaline seeping into her veins, taking over her emotions. I'd have to lie harder and nearly the worst one yet.

"You're not good for me, Bella."

That was a lie. I had turned my earlier words around now so she had no argument anymore, and I delved in the darkest blasphemy I've ever spoken to my angel. Bella was everything to me. my life, my air, my heart, my music. She was perfect for me and had I been human, this never would have happened. We'd be together now, probably still back at my house celebrating her birthday, eating cake with my family and opening presents without fear of being eaten. Without Bella, I wasn't complete. Without Bella, I was nothing more than a monster.

She opened her mouth once as if to start to say something, but closed it. I waited for her to speak. Whatever she was going to say was going to rip out my heart even more. Bella looked a little nauseous among other things now."If… that's what you want." It was the farthest thing from what I wanted. I wanted her in my arms, kissing me, loving me, me loving her, but I couldn't let that happen. But, I nodded once along with it.

She looked as though she was going numb. Her whole body stiffened, and she just looked at me. Bella, my sweet little Bella, looked like she was dying, and pain flickered across my face at the sight of it before I quickly masked it and tried to appear serene to her again."I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."

"Anything." Silly Bella, volunteering before she even knew what I was asking. She loved me too much. Even if I was leaving her, I still wanted to know she was safe. I felt my calm composure melt as I looked down on her. My eyes returned to their smoldering that I knew she was dazzled by. Bella sucked in a quick breath, and scent hit me like a wrecking ball once more as I lost myself in it.

There was no better smell than Bella's. A lovely scent of freesias and a smell that couldn't be defined as anything more or less than Bella herself. There were no words other than perfect, amazing, angelic, and love. I desperately wanted to stay with this creature that found it in her heart to love me, and that I loved back just as much. She had to be safe. Otherwise, I'd have to kill myself or find a way to do so.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I coulnt stay detached for this. It was too much. I still was going to love her just as much. I had no idea how long I'd be able to stay away from her. She was my life, my love, my reason for anything.

She nodded, and it made her look helpless like she holding on to anything I said. Trying to memorize me as best she could before she knew I was leaving.

But then I realized I was showing emotion towards the leaving, emotion she would soon grasp onto and hold as a firm belief that all of this really was lies and that I did want her, need her to be close. I closed off again and went back to being away and emotionless.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself—for him."

She nodded again, and her long brown hair twirled in front of her face momentarily, stirring up her scent again. Every little movement she made, and I caught all of them, drew me into her. "I will," she whispered softly. My stance relaxed the slightest bit, and I heard her let out a soft breath.

I didn't want to do this, but I had to to keep her alive and breathing.

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**Please review! It makes Christmas so much better!**

**AND, on that note, have a very Merry Christmas!**

**AsItThunders**

**PS- Check out my new Twiligh story- The Stars Dazzle Me. I'm so excited about it. It's my favorite so far!**


	6. Over

**Okay, here's the last installment of my fanfiction which I call Darkest Hour. It doesn't need any more introduction than that.**

**Disclaimer for the story: I own nothing recognizable. Anything that is recognizable belongs to it's creative genius.**

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If ever I had believed in angels before this. I most certainly did now because of Bella. But, I couldn't stand to see this master creation destroyed, so I had to leave her to protect her and said my next lines no matter how much I didn't want them to leave my brain. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be if I never existed."

I could see her knees beginning to shake. Bella was falling apart, and I was the reason. I didn't deserve to exist after this. In fact, I didn't deserve to exist at all. Her heart was pounding harder than usual, and I could see her pulse flying on her neck like a bird. Predator to prey.

I smiled gently. Hadn't I told her once that I was the lion and she was a lamb? "Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" It sounded sadly like she was trying not to choke on something, and I knew it was all the emotion that was beginning to rise up in her now at what my lies meant.

"Well—"I hesitated slightly, unsure as how to say the words I knew needed to be said—"I won't forget. But _my_ kind…we're very easily distracted." I smiled again, but I could tell Bella knew I wasn't real. She looked a bit defiant, but that side was slowly ebbing away and the brokenness was beginning to show through once more.

I took a step away from her. "We won't bother you again."

The plural caught her attention as her chin lifted the slightest bit, inconceivable to the human eye. She was much more observant than I could give her credit for. "Alice isn't coming back." It wasn't a question. It was statement. She got it, understood this was real, that there was no going back. I watched her face the entire time, memorizing it as all the emotions played over her perfect, fragile features. She was forever ingrained in my dammed soul.

I shook my head slowly, watching as the truth sunk in and the pulse pushed itself faster. "No. they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Her breath was coming in great gasps, and with each one her scent hit me harder each time as though it was questioning why I was leaving someone so clearly made for me. Bella looked dizzy, and I saw her eyes roll back into her head for a split second when she went to close her eyes. I wished, and at the same time didn't want to, hear her thoughts, to know why she believed it, how she believed it. After all these times, all the love yous, and kisses. She believed the stupid lie a lot faster than she had accepted the truth. But I thought I was beginning to understand.

It made sense to her that I couldn't be with her. She thought I was too good for her, and Bella never saw why we were together in the first place. She had always claimed I was some sort of dream, an angel, a savior, that I was too good for her. That was why it had taken her a long time for her to believe that I really did love her and it wasn't a joke. It made more sense now to her, better sense, perfect sense, that I was leaving.

That thought made me sadder than any else.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." A clean break, I cringed at the thought. Her breathing was erratic still. I needed to leave before I gave in and stayed or she exploded. So I had to say goodbye to my angel and lifesource.

"Goodbye, Bella." I kept my voice low, soft, and even so as not to betray anything in my tone that I wanted to scream at her. How I loved her.

"Wait!" She choked out the word and started to reach forward for me and stumbled as her legs didn't respond. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave now.

For a split second, Bella looked hopeful as I leaned down to her. But when I grabbed her wrists and pinned them to her sides not wanting to smell that intoxicating scent, her face crumpled once more and she looked as broken as ever. I had to give her one last little kiss. I pressed my lips to her warm forehead for a moment and took in everything about her. Her hair and the way it fell across her face, the way she breathed, her scent and the way it swirled around her, her prefect small hands, her gorgeous face, and her eyes that held all the hurt of the world. And to know that I was the reason for that…

"Take care of yourself," I breathed over her pale skin. And I ran, ran, and kept running.

Love, life, meaning…over.

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**REVIEW! Had to put it in, sorry.**

**So, what did you think of the story? I mean, don't be sad. We all know how it really ends.**

**And, if you need a pick me up there's always my new Twilight story- The Stars Dazzle Me. But, really, please check it out and review! Review this one too!**

**I want to say thanks to everyone who got me through this story since September. Gosh that seems like so long ago. You guys are the reason I write! So thank you very much. **

**Once again, I'd like to dedicate this to FoggyMoon for being such a prevalant and lasting impact in my life. Go thank her for getting me started on writing.**

**Lots of love and more thanks!**

**AsItThunders**


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